Everything’s Computer

The wit and wisdom of Donald Trump, continued

Donald Trump is the funniest politician in modern history. Even though I now have a mild case of Trump Derangement Syndrome – many such cases etc - he still continues to amuse.

Trump began his second term in office by dancing with the Village People and even saluting one of their members, who was dressed in ‘assless chaps’. The president’s face while a preacher at his inauguration went into rapture was also highly amusing.

At Easter, Trump paid tribute to the late Pope Francis beside a man dressed as the Easter Bunny. At the Easter Egg Roll, he showed children a card depicting the Butler assassination attempt, while his Instagram Easter Message was exactly as Jesus would have wanted, starting with ‘Happy Easter to all, including the Radical Left Lunatics who are fighting and scheming so hard to bring Murderers, Drug Lords, Dangerous Prisoners, the Mentally Insane, and well known MS-13 Gang Members and Wife Beaters, back into our Country.’

After taking the opportunity to attack ‘Sleepy Joe Biden’, he concluded by wishing a very Happy Easter ‘to all the people who CHEATED in the 2020 Presidential Election in order to get this highly destructive Moron Elected… with great love, sincerity, and affection.’

After the Holy Father’s death at Easter, Trump also proposed himself as a replacement, saying ‘I’d like to be Pope. That would be my number one choice.’ He even tweeted an AI picture of himself in the role.

Trump’s foreign policy has upset one or two people, and he caused widespread outrage in Europe when he called Volodymyr Zelensky a ‘dictator’ - but then just three days later said: ‘Did I say that? I can’t believe I said that’. Oh what am I like?

Speaking on the subject of US Aid, he lamented that: ‘Eight million dollars to promote LGBTQI+ in the African nation of Lesotho, which nobody has ever heard of.’

Speaking at a press conference alongside India’s prime minister Narendra Modi, Trump got frustrated at questions from an Indian reporter, replying: ‘I can't understand a word he’s saying.’

He knows his history too. In a recent speech to American troops in Qatar, Trump said: ‘We love France, right? But I think we did a little more to win the war than France did. Do we agree? I don’t want to be a wise guy, but when Hitler made his speech at the Eiffel Tower, I would say that wasn’t exactly ideal.’

This month’s trip to the Gulf saw the Saudi Royal Court hosting a mobile McDonald’s serving the US president during his stay, like a modern-day Field of the Cloth of Gold. Or perhaps that should be field of the golden arches.

Trump’s love of McDonald’s is legendary, and apparently he would routinely skip breakfast and lunch, and have a dinner consisting of two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches and a small chocolate milkshake.

Visiting Japan in the 1990s, he refused to touch any Japanese food, barking. ‘I’m not going to eat any fucking raw fish.’ The next day, he ordered his underlings to arrange a meeting with the Emperor. The heir to the Chrysanthemum Throne had no idea who he was, and in a polite reply suggested a meeting with an intermediary at some point the following year.

Trump’s visits to the Arabian Gulf always have a stunning visual quality because aesthetically he very much fits the vibe of the region (who can forget the strange glowing orb in Saudi Arabia). He seems to get on with many leaders there and this week met Syria’s new leader, Ahmed al-Sharaa, a former al-Qaeda fighter, calling him a ‘young, attractive guy. Tough guy. Strong past. Very strong past. Fighter.’ (This is definitely an improvement - he nicknamed his predecessor ‘Animal Assad’).

Such is the success of their meeting that the Syrian leader has even suggested a Trump Tower in Damascus. Perhaps we will one day have a new Golden Arches theory of peace - two countries with Trump Towers will never have gone to war.

Trump’s turn of phrase, often surreal and meandering, continues to amuse. In domestic affairs, he responded to criticism from Pete Buttigieg over air traffic control problems by saying: ‘Buttigieg didn’t have a clue. He drives to work with his bicycle, and in all fairness he has his husband on the back, it’s a very loving relationship, but he didn’t have a clue’.

Defending his policy of deporting dangerous illegal immigrants, he reflected that ‘You know, they released [people from] jails ... from all over the world. They released them, not just South America, all over the world. The Congo in Africa. Many, many people come from the Congo. I don’t know what that is, but they came from the Congo.’ On some of the dangerous illegal immigrants crossing the border, he said: ‘Their entire face is covered with tattoos. Typically you know that he’s not gonna be the head of the local bank.’

I also missed some older Trump moments in the previous post, such as his statement after winning the endorsement of former Attorney-General Bill Barr. Barr, ‘who let a lot of people down by not investigating Voter Fraud in our Country, has just Endorsed me for President despite the fact that I called him “Weak, Slow Moving, Lethargic, Gutless and Lazy.’ As a result, ‘I am now removing “Lethargic” from my statement. Thank you Bill.’

There was also his powerful and thought-provoking speech at the site of Gettysburg, where he reflected on ‘When our Union was saved by the immortal heroes at Gettysburg, what an unbelievable battle that was, the battle at Gettysburg, what an unbelievable. I mean, it was so much and so interesting, and so vicious and horrible, and so beautiful in so many different ways.

‘It represented such a big portion of the success of this country. Gettysburg, wow. I go to Gettysburg’s Pennsylvania to look and to watch, and the statement of Robert E. Lee, who’s no longer in favour, did you ever notice that? No longer in favour. “Never fight up him, me boys. Never fight up hill,” he said. Wow. That was a big mistake. He lost his great general.’

(Lee was on the Confederate side, keen-eyed historians of the American Civil War would have noticed)

There was also the meeting of Native American veterans where Trump told them, in reference to Elizabeth Warren: ‘You were here long before any of us were here. Although we have a representative in Congress who they say was here a long time ago. They call her Pocahontas.’

Trump, discussing the late Congressman John Dingell in 2019, recalled talking to his widow: ‘She calls me up. “That’s the nicest thing that ever happened. Thank you so much. John would be so thrilled. He’s looking down. He’d be so thrilled”’. The president then added, “Maybe he’s looking up. I don’t know… But let’s assume he’s looking down.’

There was also the famous Diet Coke button. During Trump’s first term, he would press a button which caused a valet to bring him a Diet Coke on a silver platter. Apparently visitors to the White House would frequently mistake this for the nuclear button and people ‘get a little nervous when I press that button,’ to much mirth. His handlers also designated a musician to play his favourite songs from musicals to calm him down, Trump being a huge fan of musical theatre.

Trump has probably inspired more catchphrases in the English language than anyone alive, and yet another was born after he tried a new Tesla: Wow… Everything’s computer. As The Telegraph’s Sam Ashworth-Hayes put it: ‘If you can give Bob Dylan a Nobel for his lyrics, surely Trump deserves one for contributions to short form literature.’

In his pre-election interview with Joe Rogan, Trump spoke about flying into Baghdad, and how good-looking the crew were: ‘they were better looking than Tom Cruise, okay, and they’re even taller… like perfect specimens.’ It was a monologue with an almost Homeric quality.

Trump is not a reader, nor an intellectual, but he possesses an almost animal intuition which often proves correct, his warning to Germany over energy dependency on Russia being the supreme example. And, in retrospect, who can fault his 2014 tweet to Katy Perry: ‘Katy, what the hell were you thinking when you married loser Russell Brand. There is a guy who has got nothing going, a waste!’

There is even great wisdom in his words, and one can’t help but ponder Trump’s advice on the subject of worry from 2004: ‘I try and tell myself it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. If you tell yourself it doesn’t matter – like you do shows, you do this, you do that, and then you have earthquakes in India where 400,000 people get killed. Honestly, it doesn’t matter.’

Asked about his legal troubles early last year, he told NBC: ‘If you care too much, you tend to choke. And in a way, I don’t care. It’s just, you know, life is life.’

Wise words, indeed, from the Marcus Aurelius of our age.